(language warning - Sorry not sorry)
6 Days
It's been 6 days on this program, and to say I'm going through a wee bit of a detox is an understatement. The longest I've ver gone is 3 days. THREE.
I didn't realize this would happen. I didn't realize any of this would happen.
That nagging headache...the bloating...the scale NOT moving...and the GD irritability.
"Why do you suck so bad?!" - my husband's exact quote, which does NOT help the situation, especially when this was moments after I shut my pinky in the pantry door.
Remember when you were little and caught your fingers in doors?! Holy FUCK it hurts! I was convinced it was going to fall off, and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. But I didn't want to scare the neighbors...or kids. I wanted to run away. I literally wanted to punch a wall. But instead I walked into the bathroom and tried not to cry. Try = Failed. But it wasn't a good cry, just a few tears, cuz ya know, everyone was right outside the door, just living their lives...completely clueless to the madness going on inside my body. They don't give a fuck. They just want me to keep on keeping, being mom, wife, doing ALL the thing ALL the fucking time. They don't have a fucking clue.
What am I detoxing from? Everything bad I guess. Sugar? Alcohol? Pizza Rolls? All those things. And let me tell you, a pizza roll detox is harsh. I've nourished my body all week with gallons upon gallons of water, and more vegetables that I've eaten in a year. I push play every day on my workout. I sweat my as off. I swear occasionally. I follow my meal plan to a mother f-ing T. I eat exactly what I'm supposed to eat, exactly when I'm supposed to eat it. I don't cheat. I shower and get dressed and do it all again the next day. And it's fucking exhausting. And it's been 6 days. I have 74 days to go (and then some).
This will be fine. It's going to be fine.
I'm doing this to prove to MYself that I can actually do this.
Sure I've followed programs before (a LOT of programs)....for the most part. I mean, I'll dabble in the meal plan, mostly do my own thing, still drink, and get ok results. Working out has never been the problem, I'll run laps and do squat jumps ALL day long...but eating...well that's another story. I have a problem with food. It's delicious and I eat it.
4 years ago I lost 30 pounds. And it was ok. I did it my way. It worked. But then I started eating again...and slowly but surely, that shit crept right back on. Not all of it...but enough that my clothes are tight....I hate looking in the mirror...and I mostly want to punch myself on a daily basis because I'm SO disappointed in myself. I've "let myself go". And this is not ok with me. I just turned 38, and it's my time to shine.
Enter 80 Day Obsession. Perfect! This looks good! Perfect timing! I can do this. I'll do it my way of course. I'll workout, but I'll eat what I want, stick to my calories. It'll be fine.
Enter Autumn's 80 Day coaches test group. Enter her saying, you'll do it my way.
Oh...wait...so like, I should follow this meal plan huh?
Ok.
I can do this.
Wait, what now? No alcohol?
Shhhh, I'll drink a little here and there. I'll be fine.
But Emily doesn't drink "a little"...Emily goes all in. Then comes the food, because you can't tell drunk Emily not to eat Taco Bell, or whatever else I find. You just can't. Really, don't try.
Ok...so maybe I won't drink. Maybe I'll give this a shot.
I practice a whole week. I did it. I figured it out. I felt ok.
Now we are into our first weekend, and shit has hit the dusty fan (seriously, my ceiling fan is SO dusty...just another thing on my never ending list of shit to do around here...)
We got invited out for dinner and drinks with friends...at a Mexican restaurant.
Well that's just fucking great.
"We can go" I tell my husband, "but I won't be eating or drinking..."
Sounds like a real great time doesn't it? Oh, and I totally go into Bitch mode just thinking about it. How dare they invite us out. What a bunch of assholes. (They are actually really fun people, which makes it even harder)
Like what am I supposed to do? Just sit there sipping on water while baskets of hot ass deep fried chips and fabulous salsa shuffle back and forth in front of me.
And nobody will understand. "You look great" they say, "why are you even doing this?"
They don't get it.
And besides being knocked up...I've never in my life been in a situation where I just sit there while people drink and carry on. Can I even do it? Seriously how the Fuck do I survive? As I sit here and secretly PRAY that my mother-in-law isn't free and can't watch the kids and I get to just be a hermit instead...even though Autumn said not to be. But I don't know how to exist out there in the wild!! I have NO idea!
74+ more days...
It'll be fine.
I'll figure it out.
Sticking with the process, and praying my body gets it's shit together, because I can't take these mood swings.
But in the meantime...I need a punching bag, a therapist, and for people to please just not make any fun plans till mid April.
Thanks so much!
Sincerely,
Hot Fucking Mess But I Want My Six Pack Back Emily
